Make Our Boys Better By Expecting Better

How do we move our boys beyond myopic selfishness? How do we teach them to be sensitive and respectful, compassionate, and kind? In the paragraphs that follow, I make some small suggestions.

Little Boys  should be  give the following guidance.

• By Example. If we show respect, we will teach respect. This means we respect our children, we respect other adults, and we especially respect women. It means that we do not call girls or women names. We do not ever hit or threaten to hit girls or women. It means we listen to girls and women and respect their opinions. We don’t talk over them. We are respectful.
• Speak Kindly. This is pretty basic, but at this age, it’s all it takes to show respect. Say “please” and “thank you.” Never say things like “shut-up” or “get lost” (or anything worse), whether to a child or an adult, regardless of gender. Respectful speaking teaches respect.
• Be helpful. Teach boys (and all children) to recognize when someone needs help or feels lousy, and show them how to help.

Preteen boys should be monitored and guided.

• Monitor Media. Violent media is increasingly normal and has an undeniable desensitizing impact on those who view it. Minimizing exposure to games and movies or TV shows that promote disrespect and inhumanity can help—whether it’s Grand Theft Auto or Game of Thrones.
• Pre-Arm Against Pornography. The average age of boys’ exposure to pornography is 11. And we’re not talking the 1980’s Playboystyle pornography. We’re talking hardcore, violent, objectively degrading content that teaches boys that women exist to be violently and sexually disrespected.

Let boys know that pornography exists, that people might want to show it to them, that others might think it’s funny, and that it teaches bad things. Let them know it’s not real.

Most of all, keep them away from porn and do not normalize exposure to porn as something “all the boys do.”’ Such attitudes are part of the domestic violence and disrespect problem.

When you see disrespect, talk about it. Ask your sons how it leaves them feeling. How does it make the victims feel? What are better ways of responding to it? Such conversations promote empathy and some perspective, and help our boys develop social awareness and conscience.

When  they reach the teen years really drill down on the responsibility and maturity of who they are.

• Teach Intimacy. Our sons should be learning about healthy relationships where people love one another and express that love in healthy, functional ways. They need to understand more than the mechanics of sex. They need to understand context and commitment. When there is no real commitment, guys think there are no feelings involved.

When we separate physical and emotional intimacy from one another, we provide fertile soil for sexual miscommunication and sexual coercion.

I have seen far too many young men grow up with the struggle of not understanding how to treat women and it is frightening.