Netflix's Bridgerton Points Out What The Hookup Culture Is Stealing....

After watching Shonda Rhimes’s new Netflix show ‘Bridgerton’, I was struck by how far we  have come from normal connective relationships. The first season surrounds the debut Daphne, one of eight children in the Bridgerton family. Her quest  begins when she decodes very modernly to find a suitor for love over a suitor of comfort. Both the theme of marrying for love and marrying for comfort play over and over again throughout the show. 

It got me to think over breakfast and coffee this morning that we are miserable compared to those of that time. Stay with me a moment while I flesh this out.  We currently live in what is conveniently called ‘The Hookup’ Culture’. The Hookup Culture is stealing our view of intimacy from us.

The hookup culture is one that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, including one-night stands and other related activities, which focus on physical pleasure without necessarily including emotional bonding or long-term commitment.

According to one recent study from American Psychological Association  study the vast majority, more than 90%, of  modern adults say their social world is  characterized by a hookup culture. 

First, looking at college age students there are stunning stats. College  students accept that about 85% of their classmates have hooked up. Studies show that most students (most recent data suggest between 60% and 80%) do have some sort of casual sex experience. Of those students who have hooked up, between 30% and 50% report that their hookups included sexual intercourse.  If this is the launching pad for adulthood, what does that say about the future of relationships.

Nationally, women now outnumber men in college  and professional roles enrollment by 4 to 3.  This has begun leading some researchers to argue that the gender imbalance fosters a culture of hooking up because men, as the minority and limiting factor, hold more power in the sexual marketplace and use it to pursue their preference of casual sex over long-term relationships.

The reality  is that  it seems like as  fun an idea as hook-up culture might seem like on paper, for many people the reality is much more somber. Feelings of regret, loneliness, and a lack of fulfillment are unfortunate consequences of casual sex that rarely get the same amount of screen time as the more titillating aspects.  Shonda Rhimes aptly and accurately exhibits this in the lives of her male leads. It shows that their trysts have proven nothing short of unsatisfying. The oldest aire is a well known rake. (Not familiar with that term dear reader.. Look it up. It is spot on description )

I digress… with how glamorized casual sex is in the media, people who don’t count themselves as fans may end up thinking that they’re the strange ones. But when we look at the science behind sex, the reluctance to engage in casual encounters actually makes a lot of senset encourages bonding behavior in us, and it also inclines us toward trust, empathy, and relaxation. This same hormone is released in women during childbirth and breastfeeding, and considering how strong we know the bonds are between mothers and their children, it should give you an idea of how powerful this chemical can be. Oxytocin has been cited as one of the biological mechanisms promoting monogamy in humans, which puts our bodies in direct opposition with the concept of casual sex.

The feelings of emptiness and unhappiness that people report after casual hook-ups aren’t a sign that they just need to “get over it” or that they’re “too clingy.” They’re a completely natural response to pair-bonding with someone who won’t actually be sticking around for the close relationship your brain has now conditioned you for. If you spend 5 minutes venturing in to the land of ‘Tik Tok’ you will see thousands of unsatisfied buyers of the ‘hook up’ culture. You see women wanting more from men.

To borrow from my Tik Tok friends. “I don’t know who needs to hear this but: We need to  bond and connect. We need to understand that there is more than “hooking up”.

I’m going to explain why I think ‘hookup culture’ is toxic; it’s ruining love and romance, It’s sexist, and it promotes sex as a self-medicating or coping tactic. It’s ruining love/romance: The point of casual sex is avoiding emotional intimacy at all costs, which strips away people’s humanity and leaves them as simply a body part; a means to an end. Issues also arise when one person becomes interested in pursuing a relationship while the other party wants to stick to casual sex, maybe even with multiple partners. So not only can it distort one’s view of sex and sexual partners, but of relationships in general. Not to mention that the spread of STD’s is way more likely, which probably doesn’t bode well for future relationships. It’s sexist: there are many aspects of sexism in hookup culture. First, it is mostly men who receive sexual gratification rather than women in these hookup situations. Second, a lot of these ‘hookups’ happen when alcohol is involved which perpetuates rape culture and doesn’t promote actual consent. Lastly, it stigmatizes primarily women’s emotions in these situations which is not only objectifying and degrading but invalidates people’s emotions which ties into dehumanizing one’s sexual partner.

Using sex to cope: Because mental illness is unfortunately still pretty stigmatized in our society, many people use the hookup culture to use meaningless sex as a temporary coping mechanism for what they’re going through. The problem with this is glaringly obvious: people aren’t actually dealing with their issues and using meaningless sex as a short-term solution may even add to the issues they already have.

They don’t understand intimacy and valuing intimacy and the pleasure that comes from intimacy. As a matter of fact yousee dozens of men singing, rapping and exhibiting obscene abusive sexual actions on camera. One incident I saw on screen was topped off with the young woman being offered a shopping trip  for objectification. 

Ladies… what you really need to know is that there is more to intimacy than what you have been experiencing. What’s even more distressing is that some people may think that yet another hook-up is exactly what’s needed to cure that hollowness. In reality though, engaging in more sex that lacks the accompanying emotional intimacy will likely only exacerbate the feelings of emotional vulnerability, not heal them.

As modern women, we invest so much time in evaluating the right schools, jobs, companies, and homes, so why not exercise the same level of diligence when choosing who we allow closest to us?